Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell

I am 5 weeks post-op. And for the most part, things are good. I've had more trouble with bleeding from my lead incision, so I went in to the hospital to see what they thought. They just gave me gauze and tape. And I didn't have any more trouble after that. So then Monday I got the most incredible pain ever right by my ICD and extending half-way down my arm. It didn't last that long, but it was enough to concern me slightly, especially because the ICD site is still swollen. There's also this purple splotch at one end of the incision, which is kind of gross. It hasn't bled yet, but it looks like it has that potential.

So yesterday I had my synchronizing appointment. It's the day where they basically mess with my ICD while they echo me and adjust my device to get the best results for my heart function. I knew it was going to be a long appointment, but I didn't realize that most of that time would be spent waiting. Waiting to see my doctor, and then waiting for blood work, and then waiting for a chest x-ray, and then waiting to be synchronized, and then waiting to get the okay to leave. I'm the first person to say that I don't handle this well. Any of it. Surgeries, making appointments, filling prescriptions, everything. And up until this point, I've kept it together like a champ. But yesterday I was tired and I realized that I was going to use up more sick leave than I had and I just wanted to go home. So I had a little meltdown in the clinic waiting room. And there were a decent number of people there watching me cry. But I feel okay crying in that environment because um, look where we are. You're not going to spend half your day at a cardiologist's if you're healthy.

That's another thing that will probably become apparent, if it isn't already. I'm a "why me?" person. It doesn't happen when I'm healthy. So most of the time I'm a happy, not feeling sorry for myself person. But when I'm having surgery and my health is in question, I like to break out the party hats and throw a pity party for myself. If I'm having a bad day, I'm going to ask "why me?" Because it's not just that I can't find my car keys and I forgot to tape my favorite show and my brother's annoying the crap out of me. I have heart disease, too.

So yesterday I cried. Because I had to wait a long time, and I was running out of sick leave, and I was really tired. And I had heart surgery.

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